By Janna, age 15
NOTE: Shaniqua’s track 6 song in the story is
actually a poem written by my friend Forrest.
He gave me permission to use it and all credit for it goes to him.
James watched the cheerleaders practicing their moves on the football field. He was eating a cheeseburger from the school cafeteria, and his fingers were coated in grease. The cheerleaders were shouting a bunch of insults to their at the moment non-existent opposing team.
“Yo,
James-man,” his friend Tyrell called from behind him. James continued to chew
his burger, staring aimlessly ahead. He heard his friend come stomping through
the muddy grass, then felt him come near the bleachers he was sitting on. When
James turned his head to the right, he saw Ty had one of his camel-colored
suede boots on a bleacher.
“Watchin’
them girls?” Tyrell grinned, wobbling his head back and forth. James wondered
if Ty’s head might fall off sometime from all that wobbling. He shrugged.
“You
ain’t gonna join us, man? You too cool fo’ us?” Ty smiled a bit.
James
just looked Tyrell in the eyes. It was a silent, bored look.
“Why’s you been actin’ like this? You into some girl?”
James
shook his head at the irony. “No, man. I just need some me-time. Some
James-time.”
Ty
laughed, “Ok, whatever. I’ll see ya later,” and left.
James
took his last bite of cheeseburger and got up. The cheerleaders were now trying
to make a pyramid. They were unsuccessful. Some klutzy girl kept falling off
the top. Uh-oh… Cheerleader emergency. The klutz had just inadvertently
kicked some blonde in the eye. Big fight brewing. “Like, ohmigod, you just
kicked me in the freakin’ eye!! My contact fell out! I’m blind!! Ahh!”
James
had been trying to figure out for a long time why he didn’t like girls. He had plenty of friends who were girls, but
he couldn’t imagine ever liking them “in that way”. The cheerleaders didn’t help with trying to convince himself that
maybe he was just having gay feelings. After all, he’d learned in Sex Ed class
supposedly everyone has homosexual feelings sometime in their life.
James
knew deep down that his feelings weren’t going to go away, though. He
sighed. He didn’t even really mind that
much. It was more how his friends were going to handle it. Every day he heard
them and every other kid in the school saying “that’s gay” and calling people
“fags”. James had never thought much of
it before. Now whenever he heard them saying that he felt ashamed. He felt mad,
too. Why did he have to be known as a fag?
Well, he didn’t and he wasn’t going to be. He just wouldn’t tell his
friends. It wouldn’t be that hard to keep secret, right?
No, it
wasn’t that hard. But it hurt. James had already been keeping his secret
from his friends and family for about two weeks now. He had wanted to be sure it was true, but mostly he just didn’t
want to get hurt. Well, so much for
that, because he was hurting even without telling anyone. He didn’t want to have to carry such a big
thing inside him so long. He was a
junior in high school; he had a year and a half of school left to be burdened
with it.
Suddenly
one of the cheerleaders was by his side.
She had wavy light brown hair put up in a ponytail and a cute, round
face. She was only about 5’3”, compared
to James’s 5’8”, and she was smiling broadly.
“Hey!
Um, you’re James Walker, right?” she asked in a sort of ditzy, but nice voice.
“Yeah,”
James replied, continuing to walk. The girl walked along beside him, bouncing
slightly with each step.
“I’m
Jillian,” the cheerleader told him. “You were watching us practice?”
“Um,
yeah,” James said, purposely not sounding interested so she wouldn’t bother
him.
“What’d
you think?”
“Pretty
good…if you could just get that klutz out of the way.”
“Oh,”
Jillian giggled a little. “That’s Tracey, she’s not very good at cheerleading.
But she’s nice.”
James
nodded and felt the awkward air between them.
“Oh,
well, the reason why I came over here was to ask if you liked Shaniqua,”
Jillian explained, and stopped walking. James stopped too and thought.
“Yeah, I
do actually.”
“Cool! I
thought you looked like the type who would.” She grinned. “ I have tickets to
see her in concert. None of my friends
like her, so…”
James
wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. First of all, he didn’t want to lead her
on. He definitely wasn’t interested in
her. Then again, she seemed pretty
innocent, like she’d just be friends with a guy. And he really loved Shaniqua, though he’d never told his friends
that. Shaniqua wasn’t really a popular singer, especially with guys.
“Wanna
go with me?” Jillian finished.
“Sure,”
James said.
“You’re
goin’ out with a cheerleader?” Tyrell laughed.
“Which
one, James?”
“Is she
pretty? Is she blonde?”
“James!
I can’t believe you’re goin’ out with a ditz! I thought you had better
taste than that.”
“It’s
not a date,” James said steadily to his friends who were now all over him about
Jillian. They were sitting at a table
in the cafeteria. The white walls were
crammed with posters and flyers and a teenage body occupied every little space
of air.
“How can
going to a concert with a cheerleader not be a date?” his friend Rachelle
asked, slightly teasing him.
“Easily,”
was James’s reply. Rachelle, one of his
more understanding friends, smiled at him.
“What concert?” Tiffani asked, as a cranky
old teacher reprimanded her for sitting on the table.
James
shrugged. “I dunno,” he lied. “Some different people. No one famous or
anything.”
His
friends, circled around him, just looked at each other. They didn’t seem to
know what to think.
“So
what’s ‘er name?” Tyrell asked.
“Jillian.”
“Ohh, that
lil’ chubby one? She’s perky, ain’t she?” Christina said, more to the rest of
her friends than James.
“She’s
nice enough,” James said, wishing he hadn’t told his friends about Jillian.
“Well, I
hope you’re very happy together,” Rachelle grinned.
The concert
was at a little club half an hour out of town.
Jillian had a sedan with a messy interior. There were papers, CDs, pom-poms, and other junk in the backseat. She asked James what he wanted to listen to
in the car. He said he didn’t care, so she put on the cast recording of “Rent”.
“I love
musicals,” she explained. “My favorites are ‘Rent’ and ‘Rocky Horror Show’.”
She giggled.
Jillian
wasn’t your average cheerleader. That
night she wore red fishnets, a black leather miniskirt, and a red Shaniqua shirt
with the sleeves cut off and half a dozen safety pins on the sides. Shaniqua’s
face filled the whole shirt and up in the corner was “SHANIQUA” in a sort of
punk font. Jillian’s hair was up in a ponytail again, this time with a strand
on each side of her face hanging out looking like feelers on a moth. James
thought of Jillian as a ditz-punk, and a cool one at that.
James
felt uncomfortable whenever the gay couples sang in “Rent”. He’d get quiet and
try to focus on keeping cool. Just
about anything would remind him of his secret nowadays. Jillian liked to sing
the parts Angel, the drag queen, sang.
“Today
for you, tomorrow for me,” Jillian sang. “Hey, James. You don’t seem like the
type to like watching cheerleading.”
James
thought it was funny Jillian was always talking about “types” of people when
she herself was not a type at all—or at least not just one type.
“I
don’t?” he asked.
“Nah.”
“Is that
a compliment?”
“Hey,
don’t dis the cheerin’. But yeah… I guess it is.” Jillian’s red lips spread
into a smile as she giggled, then she started humming to “Rent” again.
When
they got to the club, there were a lot of cars in the parking lot already. Jillian clattered around in her white
platform shoes, taking James’s hand and pulling him through the crowd in the
club.
“Eek!”
she squealed with excitement.
Shaniqua’s
band was tuning up. They were all in
blacks, reds, and leather like Jillian.
James noticed there were mostly girls there, though there were some
punk-looking boys. Some were very cute…
James pushed the thought out of his mind.
Jillian
led him to the bar. She hopped up onto a stool and her body continued to bop up
and down excitedly. He sat on a stool beside her.
Shaniqua
came out from a door and walked onto the stage. There was a large applause and the loudest of all was Jillian.
“SHANIQUA!!!!” she screeched. Shaniqua had on red leather pants and a black
lacy top. Her bleach-blonde hair was up in a bun, but was very funky with
strands sticking out.
“Yoouuu
make meee,” Shaniqua started and everyone hooted loudly, for this was her most
popular song, “soo undeniable.” “UNDENIABLE!!!” Jillian screamed.
After
listening with amazement for a while, Jillian hopped off her bar stool and
pulled James out onto the dance floor with her.
“Y’know
how to dance?” she asked him.
“I
guess so…” James said. His girl friends had always told him he was an awesome
dancer, but he didn’t really believe it.
He didn’t dance like the other guys.
Jillian
wiggled and jumped as best as she could in platforms. Her hair bobbed up and
down and she was showing her gleaming white teeth the whole time. James had
never danced to punk music like this before and wasn’t sure how to. Jillian
seemed to pick up on this, and began to dance more structurally; the way girls
and guys usually dance together.
James could feel Jillian try to be sexy and cute, which was usually off-putting, but she did it with so much confidence and so naturally, it was fun for him, too. He began to dance more freely now, shaking his hips and feeling his true nature coming out. He noticed two guys dancing together, much the same way he and Jillian were dancing. He didn’t mind, though. Instead he felt power and strength from seeing other people like himself. He caught Jillian’s eye, and she giggled.
The concert
was over after two and a half hours.
Even though he hadn’t had anything to drink, he felt drunk. Drunk with a kind of feeling he’d never
really felt before. It felt good; it was fun and beautiful. He thought Jillian felt the same way, though
she always seemed to feel a little like that, so it was hard to tell.
On the
car ride home, Jillian played the “Rocky Horror Show” cast recording. They sang along to “Time Warp”, “Touch-A
Touch-A Touch Me”, and “Rose Tint My World”.
Jillian especially had fun singing “Sweet Transvestite”. When they pulled up in front of James’s
house he wished he didn’t have to go.
“Thanks
for inviting me tonight,” James said.
“You’re
fun. We’ll have to get together again,” Jillian said, looking just a bit
tired. James nodded, smiling with
neurotic exhaustion. Jillian grinned and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“I’ll see ya at school. Buh-bye.”
“Bye,
Jillian.” James got out of the car and walked up the steps to his door. When he
turned around, the silver sedan was zooming down the street.
It was a
week after that night with Jillian, and James was contemplating whether or not
to tell his family and friends about his sexuality. He thought if he decided to come out, he’d tell Jillian first. He felt really comfortable with her and
they’d gotten really close in just a week.
He worried he was leading her on, though. They were just friends now, but James didn’t want her thinking it
would lead to anything more than that.
His
parents were in the kitchen squabbling when he came downstairs.
“James,”
his mother called before he could leave the scene. “Where are you going?”
“It’s
called school, Mom.”
His
mother rolled her eyes. “I mean, how do you think you’re getting there? Don’t
you want me to drive you?”
“Jillian’s
giving me a ride,” James replied.
“Oh, I
see,” his mom smiled at James’s father, in that annoying all-knowing mom way.
“You two
are certainly seeing a lot of each other,” his dad said.
“Yeah,”
James mumbled, scurrying out the door.
“When
are we going to meet this Jillian?” his mom called as he shut the door. He wasn’t in the mood to explain to his
parents that Jillian and he were only friends.
Jillian
was waiting in her car, her music pouring out into the little town. She was wearing sunglasses and a cool grin
as she wiggled her fingers up and down at James. James got into the car and threw his backpack in the backseat.
“Heeey,”
Jillian said, and the car jerked forward down the street. She hummed to the
classical music she was playing loudly.
“What’s
this?” James asked, amused.
“What?”
“The
music.”
“Oh,”
Jillian smiled. “I like to listen to classical music in the mornings. It wakes
me up better than Shaniqua or Broadway would.”
James’s
friends were eyeing them as they pulled up into the school parking lot. Jillian smiled at them a little, told James
she’d catch him later, and clanked off in her platform shoes.
“Hey,
guys,” James said apprehensively. It
was weird to see four of his friends all in a group waiting for him.
“Catchya
lata!” Christina mocked Jillian, and the rest of his friends laughed.
James
was frustrated. His friends didn’t
understand Jillian at all.
“Hey,
z’all good,” Tyrell laughed. “Cheerleaders are always good.”
“James
is goin’ wit a cheerleader. What has the world come to?” Rachelle joked, shaking
her head.
“She’s
not just some ditz,” James defended. “You guys need to get to know her.”
Christina
and Tiffani rolled their eyes and sauntered off.
“Talk to
you later, man,” Tyrell said. He and Rachelle left James as the first bell
rang.
After school,
James went to watch the cheerleaders finish their cheerleading practice. When the coach told them they could leave,
Jillian went running up to James.
“Hey!
Did you know Shaniqua’s releasing her new CD in like three months??” she asked
excitedly.
“I gotta
talk to you,” James said.
“Oh,”
she said, her excited energy gone, but still upbeat. “Okay. Now?”
“Yeah, I
mean, if you can. Do you want to change first?”
“Nah,”
Jillian answered. “I’m cool.”
Yeah, James
thought. You are.
They went to Jillian’s car. Jillian put Shaniqua’s CD on a low volume. Now James had to think of how to tell her. Should he lead up to it, or just say it first?
“Well?”
Jillian asked, her permanent smile on her face.
“Umm.
I’m not sure how to say this. Because
you’re the first one I’ve told. So, it’s kind of a secret right now. I mean, I only just found out myself. But, well, I think I’m gay.”
Jillian
merely blinked. She seemed to be waiting for him to continue.
“No, I
mean I am gay,” James said, his heart beating quickly. “I haven’t told anyone else, Jillian. It’s hard.
But I really wanted to be able to tell you. I don’t like keeping it to myself. I’m sorry.”
“Why
should you be sorry?” Jillian demanded of him, her mouth in an open smile.
James
was amazed at how well she was taking the news. She was taking it better than he had, that was for sure.
“You…
you don’t mind, then?” he asked.
“Of
course not! I figured you were
anyway. I’m glad you could tell me,
though. You’re a really cool person,
James. You’re fun.”
“It’s
that obvious?” James was
surprised. He had never thought people
might be able to tell he was gay.
“Well,”
Jillian giggled a little. “Not really.
I’m just good at figuring people out.”
James sat in the car with her for a minute, his head reeling. Jillian skipped to track 6 of the Shaniqua CD. James listened as Shaniqua sang:
I
looked so deeply into the windows of your soul
Something
was missing, something wasn't whole
The
green of your eyes unveiled your life
I
saw all the hurt, the pain and the strife
I
wanted to fix those windows of yours
Push
back the past, slam all the doors
I
can see the shutters are drawn
You
kept them closed far, far too long
You
put up a front, made yourself fake
But
for me, only one glance is what it takes
So
open the shutters, unbreak the glass
Look
towards the future, release the past
James looked at Jillian. She was smiling, but not perkily as usual. This time her smile was sympathetic, caring, and wise. James knew he and Jillian would be great friends for a long time. He would tell his family and other friends about himself, too. If his friends didn’t like it, he didn’t care. He knew he’d always have Jillian, who was a better friend than any of his other friends anyway. He and Jillian would be ditz-punks, dancing in clubs and listening to loud Broadway, punk, and classical music together. They would be forever friends.